Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
