so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
