I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
