my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
