i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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