Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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