the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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