4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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