my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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