We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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