He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
