Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
