after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
