got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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