I wish my penis had an off switch
too bad you live with your parents still
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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