Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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