My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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