Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
