I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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