Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
