a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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