Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize