Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
