Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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