I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
