Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I had to cum in my sink.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
