apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
