New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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