Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
