is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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