Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
