You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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