He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
