Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
