dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
that is very illegal...i love you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize