I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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