im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
