The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
