her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
