yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
