I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
