If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
