everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
