I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
