I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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