my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
