The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
