a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
