She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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