I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize