So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We got so high we made milksteak
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
