what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
