You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The air was thick with penises
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
