Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
