she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
