White coat. Heels.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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