Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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