I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
