im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
