dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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