I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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