help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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